Worst nightclub in the UK?

One of my last conversations in University concerned the worst nightclub in the UK, and then it was suggested that I should do a post about it!

Now, some of you will think that this is a foregone conclusion- it's Klute in Durham, which was voted runner up in an FHM poll, then the winner burned down, thus handing over the crown! (http://www.bbc.co.uk/wear/content/articles/2005/05/11/durham_nightlife_feature.shtml). It was so bad, it was good! It was constantly dark, very sticky floors and tables everywhere, and tvs showing old rugby world cup matches, in addition to the relentless chesy 60's and 70's music. However, since 2011, it has been refurbished, looking somewhat more respectable, although it still plays the terrible cheesy music. Until FHM run another poll, the crown seems somewhat undeserved in this day and age. It also turned out that a similar nightclub exists somewhere down south, which may be even worse than Klute! A similar nightclub also exists somewhere else, which had a LIVE wasp's nest somewhere in the walls! Again I don't know it's name. 

I am aware of my biases; I'm not the biggest drinker in the world, me and my mates are usually pretty hammered by the time we get to a club, I go along just to dance and drink some more, and I usually don't get let into my local nightclub before 11 because the bouncer doesn't like the look of me! So, after conducting some preliminary and by no means exhaustive research on a lazy sunday afternoon, I think I have found a few contenders to the crown:

5. WonderWorld, Milton Keynes: Should this be here? It looks quite spacious, lots of rooms, one big room, sounds like your standard affair in a club, really. But wait, it had one of the worst launch parties known to mankind; never has Mark Wright appeared so terrifying (http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/a-big-night-outat-the-end-of-western-civilisation). The review itself is very harsh, taking into account more the c-rate celebrities who were there rather than the atmosphere or the prices of the drink themselves etc. Perhaps it was the location that made the club bomb (ibid). Then again, who goes out in Milton Keynes? The club website is here for more info: http://www.discoverwonderworld.com/mk/, the drinks look very pricey, and not really worth your night out.

4. Amika, Mayfair, London: Wow. Just wow. This sounds like a terrifying place if you are not white and female! A selection of reviews goes like this (somehow some are good): "We were a group of 11 girls that had a table booked they checked our ID in the q n then again at the door only to then be told by the blonde bimbo apparrantly in charge of the guestlist that 'there was nothing she could do for us' after she had eyed up our group and seen that none of us were white" and "Dispicable treatment of A humanbeing" (http://www.viewlondon.co.uk/clubs/amika-userreview-275869.html). This seems to be such a contentious topic that I could find nothing of the prices or even what the layout of the place is like. This one makes this list purely because the owners of this club appear to be horribly, explicitly, rascist and sexist; something that I have never seen or heard of in a nightclub. Maybe I just lead a sheltered life, or my ears have too much tinitus to listen. I really hope it is the former. Even on their website, they appear to have a strict policy on groups etc., which I think potentially ruins the night for many people; also it has a guestlist that doesn't guarantee entrance (http://www.amikalondon.com/)? I would be disgusted if I was turned away from any venue that I had a reservation for... maybe except this one. On the plus side it has a "distinct music policy", whatever that actually means.

3. Klute, Durham: As the only club on this list I have actually visited, I will give it an honest description, and I think 3rd is a fair cop for Durham's legendary night scene for the last 20 years or so. Despite the recent refit, it still has some frankly awful features- still sticky everywhere, the toilets are all broken, and it is so small that you couldn't fit 50 people into the club without suffering asphyxiation! The lights used to be just dark enough so that you couldn't see your hand from your face, now it's so bright you can see the DJ from one end of the nightclub to the other! Talking of which, they now mix up the music for each day of the week, whereas before it was all cheese, making it funny when you were drunk because it was repetitive. I'm not entirely sure if this is a step in the right direction, or maybe its because I don't like change. The drinks are generally reasonably cheap, if you like quaddy voddies. Everything else is a bit steep. Don't take it from my personal experience, though: http://www.klutedurham.co.uk/, if you want to have a look at their website (I have never been to the private suite here, this is not an accurate representation of Klute!!!), and it is also up for sale...

2. Jester's, Southampton: voted 3rd in another "Worst nightclub" poll, and then both of it's rivals in the poll burned down! Apparently looks and smells like marmite (http://mysouthampton.blogspot.co.uk/2009/03/jesters-night-club.html). It is also rumoured that getting thrown out of Jester's is comparable in achievement to the Great Escape from Nazi Germany for British WW2 prisoners of war. It should be added that "acceptable" practices include getting naked, pissing in sinks and smashing glasses (ibid), so what you have to do to get thrown out is something of a mystery to me. Having said that, 50p pints on a monday night is a very inviting offer... I've heard that it can be very expensive the rest of the week, in contrast to Klute. Having said all this, at least the owner is unashamed at what she has done with the place: http://sotontab.co.uk/2012/06/15/behind-the-scenes-at-the-palace-of-dreams-an-interview-with-mrs-jesters/.

A quick mention goes to Bagleys, London, unfortunately it has shut down now! A quick look over some forums about the worst nightclub in London regularly featured Bagleys. A quick look at some recent photos done by Flickr user Doilum show why it was regularly described as a "dive" (see http://www.flickr.com/photos/doilum/4579729858/in/photostream/). A dive doesn't appear to do justice to what looks like a soviet era bunker that got nuked halfway through construction. Unfortunately these photos don't do justice to what it looked like before it shut down, so it doesn't count!


Formerly Bagley's (Doilum, 2010, http://www.flickr.com/photos/doilum/4579729858/in/photostream/)

So first place really goes to:

1. An un-named nightclub, London: To see the full description of this "eighth circle of Hell", go to http://sapientiasophia.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/londons-worst-nightclub.html (from 2012). It sounds like a celbrity hell; z-listers who are there just to try to make a name for themselves, sofas with various bodily fluids on them, the inescapable odour of fake tan, escorts possibly paid by the nightclub to lure people into buying drinks for them so the club makes money. This sounds like the launch party for WonderWorld, only every night. Alas, the name of this place is unknown to all but those who have visited it. However, the author states that this nightclub is seen in every weekly magazine and tabloid newspaper. No mention of drinks again, doubtless quite expensive. Doubtless sounds quite popular too. If you're friends with Max Clifford, or someone with 15 minutes of fame who was never told when their 15 minutes was up.

So, there we are! If you catch me in one of these, I'm doing it for the "experience" that it is frankly so bad, that it has to be good. Ultimately, your experiences in the "worst" and "best" nightclubs will vary, and these are simply the ones that came up first in a google search (and my own knowledge). Doubtless you will have your own personal list, you can mention the worst (or best!) in the comments below. And of course, don't forget that your best nights out are experienced with your friends!!

My next post will go back to my main interest of archaeology...

P.S. check out this blog too!

http://geologistinthedoctorwhoscarf.blogspot.co.uk/

References:

Amika Mayfair, http://www.amikalondon.com/, last accessed July 2013

BBC, 2005, Clubs and Pubs: Durham Nightlife, http://www.bbc.co.uk/wear/content/articles/2005/05/11/durham_nightlife_feature.shtml last updated 2008, last accessed 07/07/2013

Clive Martin and Jake Lewis, last updated May 2013, A Big Nigth Out... At the Worst Club Night Ever?,  http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/a-big-night-outat-the-end-of-western-civilisation, last accessed 08/07/2013

Doilum, last updated 30th April 2010, Bagley's, http://www.flickr.com/photos/doilum/4579729858/in/photostream/,

Ella Rose Dove and Alex Bees, last updated 15th June 2012, Behind the Scenes at the Palace of Dreams: An Interview with Mrs Jesters, http://sotontab.co.uk/2012/06/15/behind-the-scenes-at-the-palace-of-dreams-an-interview-with-mrs-jesters/, last accessed 08/07/2013.

Klute, date unknown, Klute, http://www.klutedurham.co.uk/, last accessed 08/07/2013

Minnie Athena, last updated 2nd May 2012, London's Worst Nightclub, http://sapientiasophia.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/londons-worst-nightclub.html, last accessed 08/07/2013

My Southampton, 2009, Jester's Night Club, http://mysouthampton.blogspot.co.uk/2009/03/jesters-night-club.html last updated 2009

View London, last updated 07/07/2013, Amika London, http://www.viewlondon.co.uk/clubs/amika-userreview-275869.html, last accessed 08/07/2013

WonderWorld, last updated 2013, WonderWorld, http://www.discoverwonderworld.com/mk/, last accessed 08/07/2013